I was told nothing prepares you for parenthood. It’s true. I knew it would change everything, but my life as I knew it is gone. I knew it would be hard but it’s so incredibly hard and unrelenting at times. I knew I would love him, I knew it would be an intense love, but this, this is a love that stems from the very core of my being, grew from within me and has spilled over into every miniscule space around us. It’s a love that fills us, our home, our lives and with every day somehow manages to grow more.
When I first saw Little, really saw him, I did the cliche breath caught in my throat. I held my breath without realising I was, my throat closed off and a swelling sensation travelled from my heart up to the back of my throat. Today when I dropped him off at his new early education centre it happened again. I knew it would be hard to leave him there. I knew I wanted to be the mum that was ok with it all, not make a fuss. As he was picked up by hands not mine and placed into a high chair to eat toast not made by me I waved, said good bye and walked out of the room. I had to tell myself to make every move. Turn around Roxanne. Walk out to the corridor Roxanne. Walk down the corridor Roxanne. Walk outside. Left. Right. Left. All the way home. Each step further away made my heart ache a little more. Caught my breath a little more. Made the back of my eyes prickle. My body physically responded to the distance between us. I knew it would be hard, I didn’t know I would react like this.
So I sit here, in a quiet house that seems to have lost it’s spark today, hoping to not hear my phone ring. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself despite an endless list of things that need doing and countless times over wishing I had time to myself to do them. I know he will be fine. I know he is in great hands that, lets face it, have a lot more experience and knowledge in this area than mine. I am proud of him for not being upset as I left. I am proud of me for not letting those tears fall and walking all the way home.
I know it will get easier and in no time at all this will be part of our routine as I prepare to return to part time work. By then something else will undoubtedly be happening that will catch my breath and make my heart swell, walking, first birthday, who knows. I am prepared to be underprepared for it all.
What do you think? Can we ever really prepare for parenthood?